God is an Empty, Quiet Parent Universe

When I was little, laying awake, I would think about the origin of God, and fall asleep to my incomprehension. Now, I still can't sleep, but I simply think about from where the universe came.

The Arrow of Time is a lecture based on the book From Eternity to Here, by Sean Carrol. (link to lecture: http://adelaidescience.wordpress.com/2009/11/27/sean-carroll-the-arrow-of-time-podcast/). Carrol asks the question, "What came before the big bang?" He discusses time and the multiverse, and the role of entropy's directionality. Ultimately, he would like to construct a theory that results in the multiverse.

While not the catalyst for my atheism, such topics as the arrow of time, the multiverse, and entropy are enough to hold my interest in my relationship without a god.

Much like human interaction, my relationship with God ended when I stopped feeling attracted to him. I am not going to use this weak metaphor any further, though, because I respect the clarity and depth with which some pursue god. He just wasn't there for me, and for a few years, this is what He remained: an absence. When I took the time to let that settle, I pursued further insight. And it was frightening to let go of that long dormant, yet present comfort. Beyond stating what I am, beliefs are sacred matters, the foundation for our stability in reality, and something we cannot take for granted. There is a burden in the disillusionment of others which, for all my ignorance, I am not willing to accept.

I prefer to wonder and to disillusion myself, to be challenged by the existence of the belief in god, and to be engaged enough to fall asleep thinking about it.